I need to learn to breath

I lost my temper today and I feel like a piece of shit!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, what is my problem, why am I this mom. I dont want to be this way, I dont want my kids raised this way. I can make every excuse, but none of them matter to be honest. There is no excuse.
Situation, Devin woke from his afternoon nap, he had a snack, then he wanted outside since Brenden was headed out, we had one hour before I had to get ready to work. OK we can go get in the sprinkler,( So Brenden is having issues with his new scooter, that has me a bit , well pissed, it wont hold a charge and customer service sends you to their home page to file a ticket, that is that you leave a posting of what is wrong and they get back to you wtihin 24 hours, fingers crossed here.
so Brenden was going out to try and ride after it was on the charger all night and day, it wont run, GREAT!!!! so we head out with him to see if I can figure out what the deal is, while out there they get ice cream from the freezer, Brenden turns on the sprinkler since its so dang hot out, we get Devin in a swim diaper he is dripping sticky popsicle in the garage, that will be bug heaven later so we try to keep rinsing it out, the ground is hot on his feet so he is running around but not interested in the water,soon he is at the front door worried about letting dogs out, then dogs in,(this is his thing to do) while I am in a chair starting to sweat, well screw this,He doesnt want to do the sprinkler, why am I sitting here, lets go in I have to work soon anyway and we need to eat, he follows me in the garage and wants more ice cream I say no and start to shut garage, WELL< he starts wailing and screaming and running after me, well I was like thats enough, I ripped him into the house, pushed him out of the laundry room and he kept screaming at me and my temper was getting hotter, I spanked him and carried him one arm one leg to his bed and left just talking outloud abotu how I am tired and I am done and IIIIIIIIIIII,
I SUCK
I HAVE A HORRIBLE TEMPER, NO PATIENCE, I SHOULD NOT HIT, I SHOULD LEARN TO BREATH, I KNOW IT, as it is happening I am trying to say to myself "calm down, stop being such a child yourself he is 2", I use to do this wtih Brenden, why am I this person,I am so embarrased to even write it, but this is something so big for me that I have to figure out, its like I am some freakin bully. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to hug, love, support, take time, be patient, share all that I feel I missed with my kids,and this is what I am sharing with them
My sister says our mom slapped us, I dont remember this, she wasnt the nicest person. But this is about my kids, are they going to act as I do when they have kids, I sure hope not, I tell Brenden, please be more patient than I, please be calmer than me, I have no excuse for the way I am acting, it is not acceptable and I am sorry, Devin doesnt get it, he just wants me again, that makes me feel even worse, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I am goign to ponder some thoughts, go to bed, pray to God to walk me through this mom thing. He gave me two kids for a reason, I better make the best of it and figure this out........

its a pj kind of morning

well we got our oven fixed thank goodness and not a thing to cook in it, guess that means my trip to the store today just grew.
I have been following Devin around photographing him, determined to improve my skills on this camera, I know what I want, and I WILL figure these settings and math out. I am the one that has as they call it "hidden talent" well not soooo hidden just that I dont pay enough attentino to detail to properly expose it.
I ended up in the basement storage room, well one of two and found items to trash, love that, and found more accessories for playdough, maybe a missing part or two and some dried up stuck inside the gagets but we are working to that playdough free. Devin enjoyed playing and I got to photograph a little of it, though Devin has this habit of wanting you invovled in what he is doing, that means you are IN what he is doing, he sits on you and you will partake if you can get around him to do so.
he then got the Pops cereal I was preparing to trash, I want to trash so many items around here, this is my time of my energy cycle to rid my home of items, this can get me into trouble when not in the mood to trash, I go back looking for something and then wonder if it was tossed out the garage door for the trash pile. I hear that trash man coming and it fills me with joy to think what can I clear out today.
So Devin is still in his diaper and no clothes, Brenden is still in bed, I showered and dressed but did nothing to my hair and its 11:25, actually it is all good with me. Even though I have a ton of things I should be getting done due to the upcoming party, oh did I say while I was in the storage I found the puppy dog ears I knew I bought a few years ago, Devin was tickled by them, woofing and laughing. I wish I had bought more of them now, If only I had known right!
well Devin is playing piano and I guess I could prepare lunch and do my hair, I plan to run errands while he naps, leave Brenden in charge, obviously he is well rested and able to babysit.

Wednesday

ohhhhhhhhh, so I am ready for bed, but feel like posting another line or two.
I am trying different web sites out and hoping to keep up with them, I dont always feel too creative or that I have much to type about though I have enough going on in my life to write a book about really.
Today we ventured to my sisters after our wonderful couches arrived, after watching those guys sweat and about break their backs hauling those suckers in I am 100% sold on the fact that I only paid them $80 to deliver, decision well made.
LOVE the couches by the way.
We went swimming at my sister's and Devin did so well in his life jacket, screaming with joy and looking for his BB to get anywhere close to him so he could latch on and go for a ride.
I have some concern for my kids, I need to research them. They both have these stiff hips, Brenden I have taken for physical therapy, but that gets to be expensive and he doesn't do the work at home so why am I paying for him not to follow through, well Devin I noticed from crawling stages on, he gives out, his arm will give out when he would crawl and he would slam his face to the ground, well now if he trips/stumbles whatever it is, alot of times once he is to his knee he gives out and goes face first, like he tips over, WHAT THE BLEEP!!!
I am concerned and not sure whom to contact first about this, but will do so in case there is something someone can do to help him. My kids both being preemies, maybe this has something to do with it.
So Devin was a wild man after nap, running, playing, inside, outside, on the new couches, into every work item left in the basement, Thought I was going to put his butt on Craigs list at one point. We survived though, Brenden spent time with his friends and got home about 9, we got Devin to bed, then Brad got home from work.
That would be he went in about 4:30 and home about 9:30. CRAZY
This is our life right now though, so much going on. I have missed seeing my friends as much as I would like to, oh make that seeing my friends period. I work Thursday, Sisters Friday for movie and haircuts, and party on Saturday. I am just now getting things ready for it. Finally feeling creative about our puppy themed party for Devin (Brenden too, but he is open to whatever) sister is making puppy chow snack, we have signs for the house with dog pics, they turned out cute, I am going to cut out cardboard tomorrow like dog houses and buy some dog bowls for ice cream. Laura and I are going to make a big round cake and 3 cup cakes to make a dog print Birthday cake
and some other ideas we will see if they come together, oh all snacks have a dog them wrapper, instead of juice to drink, we have puppy punch and doggie lemonade, we have scooby snacks and pupcorn. Should be fun, but he's two, he will only remember what the photos tell him.
okay off to bed. Hope to run errands while Devin naps tomorrow, if I stay up much longer I will be napping too, Tah Tah for now

4th of July

SOOOOOOO I didn't really post about the fourth, too busy with everything else, like Birthday's and family
Our Fourth was wonderful, Our day started with Brad being home, on a Friday, how crazy is that, let alone him being home. Brad worked a bit downstairs putting ceiling fans in and cleaning house while I ran some errands, yes one did include getting my tootsies done, they were in need. Brad's dad arrived about 3, he traveled from Indiana with his wife Debbie, so nice to see them both, the rest of the family arrived around 5p, we enjoyed great food, and wonderful fireworks. Some of our neighbors were out lighting off fireworks too, as well as everyone and their mom in the subdivision, really if you had a revolving chair you would be set. No need to even buy any fireworks. But I love to load Brenden up with his favorites, making the holiday blend to his birthday and now his brothers since they hug the fourth of July with their special days.
We made strawberry daiquiris, frozen, I had to go back to the store for more mix they went over so well, a nice change to the summer scheme of drinks. I took lots of photos, still playing around with my camera, have had it since February and still not producing what I know could be amazing photos, all in due time though right. Here are a couple of pics from our day, hard to pick which to post, but you have to draw the line somewhere right

Craig's list is driving me mad

not really but come on people, I post items, everyone and their mom want it, no one can pick up and backs out, okay, then I find something I want, I can leave now to come get it, " someone else wants it I will let you know"
WELL! let me tell you, you are one lucky SOB if they show or email back.
grrrrrrrrr
so I am waiting, waiting to sell a ton of things that dont need to find their way to the basement kid play zone, and others to buy that will take Devin to a happy place.
He has items that he could easily still play with but he rarley touches, so why let it take up room and make more of a mess for me to dust through, also he has this big four wheeler, it was Brenden's if that tells you how old it is, a battery operated atv, so we got Devin a little one, well he has managed on it just fine, so Brad thinks we need to upgrade him, okay we dont have that cash right now anymore than we have cash to do what we are doing downstairs, but whatever, that will all be fine here soon.
So I tell him, he is too little lets wait, we have the old one outside to try first, yesterday I decided after charging the battery and Devin getting so mad at his little atv that just wont go where he wants it to, to put him on the big one, well that little bogger drove it like a pro, go figure right. Well that dang thing doesnt want to hold a charge, so I figure he has bday money I will just find a used one on Craigs list, yup, sure did, just like the one we got, they say it runs great, in good shape, I am sold, Brad agrees, I email, they just responded with someone else says they are going to take it, well I will drive there now people. Sooooooooooooo I am waiting, waiting for couches to come, yeah, waiting to get an atv for Devin to run away on , not so much of a yeah.
on top of all the things, my oven broke, Brad misplaced his phone, and well this is a silly week, all needs to straighten back out in the Risenhoover world. I am waiting in the mean while.
Hey check out my video bar, Devin is practicing his guitar, He loves it, Brenden's hand me down while he waits for his newer version, he starts lessons with his Uncle Tim soon. Will keep you posted