own up

Its amazing that you find you have to apologize to so many people for things you are going through in your own life.....I am so exhausted of making life ok for so many others. I have done this my ENTIRE life it seems.....If someone is angry or fighting I stop and turn my thoughts, hopes and energy towards them to make their lives and situations more peaceful, I did this as a child....HOW, WHY...would I do this. Because it is who God made in me. I am a peacemaker, even if I am the fight I remove my anger fast, I can fall apart, blow up, break out and then I am sorry I want to make peace I want to make it all up, I want to hug it out, walk it out, fix it all and erase all the hurt that was created. I want a time machine and a back button to life and situations in it. Not that I always want to change the direction,  I do realize in life we go through situations by choices that God gives to us, its our free will...but I would change the words I used, I would remove some of the pain and try to make things more peaceful....WISHFUL THINKING...........
I cant make up any more, I cant apologize any more, I cant fix it, I cant take it away, I cant go back, I cant do a single thing but pray for those that are hurting in this life, I will not be the escape goat for the pain others feel. We are all adults and we have to answer for the choices we make, the chances we take and blaming others, even if they brought us to a fork, is no longer acceptable. So you came to a fork in the journey and you now have a choice as well, not a forced decision, you have a choice to make as well and either you accept your part in the decision making over a situation or you let it go....go in peace...Just go, in peace, with hope that the next part of your life is going to be more amazing, filled with more blessings... or you choose to fix the damaged road you are on. If you let a life go that you loved so much then I think you are a fool to be honest. If you loved it so much how did you lose that life, that situation. How did you not hold on to it, how did you let or allow someone else to take control and snatch it from you? Were you not looking, did you not notice or did you not care?....See Im trying to understand all of this on my own since no one will give me answers yet use my name as the reason their lives are so awful...and trust me I know Im used, talked about, obsessed about, if I wasnt than there would never be an argument, there would never be a conversation, there would never be an ill word...But there are, there is, there has been and probably will continue to be. If no one cares, then why am I stalked? why do others care about what I do, where I go, what I write, what I share or what I feel? If you didnt care then you would say who cares and ignore it, let it go and have peace. I have peace in my life, but I am a hawk with my sons. I have been told when I speak of my sons the passion in my words and attitude is so extreme. I have tried to calm it, lolololol...yeah, my mother instinct wont let me rest, I know when something is wrong, when something is going on and that keeps me and my momma bear attitude on guard. I am a peacemaker, and extremely analytical. I have such a passion and need to understand and help those around me. I have been told I care too much that I am way to nice, that I give way to much...God created me to be this way and I am just breathing through each step I take in life, I am  being my authentic self...there are days I hurt and Im fatigued but I refuse to give up, I refuse to give in, I refuse to turn my back on things that I believe in, and for one I believe in myself and then the tree limbs spread from there......so I ask "what is it I can do for you today, how can I help...." I pray for all those that suffer from this need to blame others, this need to deny their wrongs, their mistakes, their sin....

Leaky Roof

so much rain this week it has begun to find its way in to our home, our beautiful 92 year old home is being invaded from above and below. We had hard blowing rain a week ago and a leak began in our office, quick grab a towel, dripping is landing quietly now. This still left a bummer feeling in our thoughts. Today more rain came and kept coming and soon we noticed where we took part of our ceiling out for a project there now is a drip drip drip...so slight but still a drip is a drip and it has invaded our home. Then to the basement to check laundry and water is creeping its way across the floor, two areas are beginning to have a race to see who can find the drain pump first.
I began to have this thought as I deal with other areas of my life, not just what is happening to my home with this water seeping in, but I...Being the deep thinking Christian I am began to think about the parallel worlds of physical and spiritiual.....I thought about the stresses and strains of daily life and situations that are on a roll and out of our control. They seep in to different areas of our lives and we can grab a paper towel, a cloth towel, a mop or even a bucket for the big drips. But still they are there so what to do about it. Well trace it along the pipeline, how far back does it go, where does it start, what other factors are invovled, can you cover it up, patch it up, replace a part or do you need to call in for professinal help or is the drip just due to the changing weather outside and once it passes the drip will dry up and all will be well again, yet the thought of that similar situation arising again and the issue returns. Sadly life situations will repeat unless they are dealt with and if done so properly and promptly they can find a way to patch, heal and never leak again. But if you are there with a leak that you find comes from two areas, both need to be fixed. You fix your end but the other part has done nothing to fix their end, well then the leak, the drip will continue to plop and splatter on all that surrounds it.
So what do you do? I am waiting on that answer as I deal with my drips and streams in life, that are reaccuring, I fix my end and the other end still drips and leaks and then uses a squigy to shovel the water towards my dry areas making me start all over again as I mop up the messes they create. I pray on this time and again awaiting for the answer in what to do, how can I help when I feel that even the thought of me brings a down pour of water. Its a helpless feeling, even harder when you are aware that some are suffering as they wade in the water around this continuous drip....
I pray that if you find your self in a trouble spot of life, and surrounded by water, don't flail around like you cant swim, put your feet down stand up and try walking to drier land, get some floaties, ask for a lifeguard to help you out, then go take swimming lessons or patch up your leaks. If Evil is seeping in around you, fight back, don't let it flood your life and drown you where you stand. Pray God guides you, shows favor on your life and bring you peace to all the storms you must weather.