own up

Its amazing that you find you have to apologize to so many people for things you are going through in your own life.....I am so exhausted of making life ok for so many others. I have done this my ENTIRE life it seems.....If someone is angry or fighting I stop and turn my thoughts, hopes and energy towards them to make their lives and situations more peaceful, I did this as a child....HOW, WHY...would I do this. Because it is who God made in me. I am a peacemaker, even if I am the fight I remove my anger fast, I can fall apart, blow up, break out and then I am sorry I want to make peace I want to make it all up, I want to hug it out, walk it out, fix it all and erase all the hurt that was created. I want a time machine and a back button to life and situations in it. Not that I always want to change the direction,  I do realize in life we go through situations by choices that God gives to us, its our free will...but I would change the words I used, I would remove some of the pain and try to make things more peaceful....WISHFUL THINKING...........
I cant make up any more, I cant apologize any more, I cant fix it, I cant take it away, I cant go back, I cant do a single thing but pray for those that are hurting in this life, I will not be the escape goat for the pain others feel. We are all adults and we have to answer for the choices we make, the chances we take and blaming others, even if they brought us to a fork, is no longer acceptable. So you came to a fork in the journey and you now have a choice as well, not a forced decision, you have a choice to make as well and either you accept your part in the decision making over a situation or you let it go....go in peace...Just go, in peace, with hope that the next part of your life is going to be more amazing, filled with more blessings... or you choose to fix the damaged road you are on. If you let a life go that you loved so much then I think you are a fool to be honest. If you loved it so much how did you lose that life, that situation. How did you not hold on to it, how did you let or allow someone else to take control and snatch it from you? Were you not looking, did you not notice or did you not care?....See Im trying to understand all of this on my own since no one will give me answers yet use my name as the reason their lives are so awful...and trust me I know Im used, talked about, obsessed about, if I wasnt than there would never be an argument, there would never be a conversation, there would never be an ill word...But there are, there is, there has been and probably will continue to be. If no one cares, then why am I stalked? why do others care about what I do, where I go, what I write, what I share or what I feel? If you didnt care then you would say who cares and ignore it, let it go and have peace. I have peace in my life, but I am a hawk with my sons. I have been told when I speak of my sons the passion in my words and attitude is so extreme. I have tried to calm it, lolololol...yeah, my mother instinct wont let me rest, I know when something is wrong, when something is going on and that keeps me and my momma bear attitude on guard. I am a peacemaker, and extremely analytical. I have such a passion and need to understand and help those around me. I have been told I care too much that I am way to nice, that I give way to much...God created me to be this way and I am just breathing through each step I take in life, I am  being my authentic self...there are days I hurt and Im fatigued but I refuse to give up, I refuse to give in, I refuse to turn my back on things that I believe in, and for one I believe in myself and then the tree limbs spread from there......so I ask "what is it I can do for you today, how can I help...." I pray for all those that suffer from this need to blame others, this need to deny their wrongs, their mistakes, their sin....